🛠️ The Complete Toolkit For Crushing Your Money Jealousy.

🟣 8 concrete exercises and tools, in 3 steps.

Today, we build our self-awareness and financial emotional intelligence by addressing our jealousy.

An important disclaimer before we start:

• No, I won’t help you get rid of that feeling.

• Envy & jealousy are natural feelings.

• And we love feelings!

But I gathered tools and exercises from psychology and finance experts to help you:

• Manage their intensity.

• Stop the shame and guilt derived from jealousy.

• And avoid making harmful money decisions triggered by it.

Exercise 1. The most difficult step is to admit you’re jealous.

Admitting jealousy isn’t easy—it can lead to guilt and shame, like "I feel like an awful person for being jealous of my best friend."

But all emotions are valuable—they're like pieces of data. We can't make decisions without them.

That’s why identifying and naming them, especially the uncomfortable ones, helps us make wiser choices. Here’s a practical approach:

📌 Steps

• Identify what triggers your money jealousy.

• Record it: WhatsApp or email it to yourself, jot it down in your fancy monogrammed leather journal or stash it in your impeccably tidy Notion notes.

• Be detailed: Describe the situation, the people involved, and how it made you feel.

💪 Why it works

• Data-driven: Writing down specific triggers provides concrete data, helping us recognize patterns and pinpoint situations that trigger envy.

• Personal introspection: Reflective writing encourages deep introspection. Writing about personal experiences for as little as 15 minutes over three days improves mental and physical health.

📎 The source

Pennebaker, J. W., & Seagal, J. D. (1999). Forming a story: The health benefits of narrative. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 55(10), 1243–1254.

🔧 The tool

For my fellow stationery enthusiasts, it’s scientifically proven that this exercise is best enjoyed with one of Papier’s beautiful notebooks and journals. They also have finance planners! This one's my favorite👇.

Exercise 2. What’s hidden behind my jealousy?

Sometimes, the real reasons for our feelings are buried deep in our unconscious and masked by rationalizations. This exercise helps you uncover the emotional complexities fueling your jealousy.

📌 Steps

1. Think about these two questions:

   • Are unresolved issues holding you back, preventing you from letting these normal feelings roll off your back?

   • Is this just about money?

2. Consider these specific instances, too:

   • Is there intense competition and comparison within your family?

   • Did you experience financial instability, insecurity, or deprivation?

   • Did you grow up in a family that associates material success with validation, love, and acceptance?

💪 Why it works

• Self-awareness: Exploring what’s behind your jealousy leads to more self-awareness, personal growth, and emotional intelligence.

• Clarity: It helps you differentiate between rational concerns and irrational fears, allowing you to respond more calmly and thoughtfully in situations that might otherwise trigger jealousy.

• Healthy coping: It encourages you to develop healthier ways of coping with jealousy, like building self-esteem, seeking validation from within, or addressing fears through practical financial planning.

📎 The source

🟣 Money Jealousy to Contentment: Advice from a Therapist.

🔧 The tool

If you want to dig deeper into past financial traumas, this edition of Money Feelings 👇 offers more specific exercises and two discounts on excellent services that can support your journey of discovery.

🟣 Money Trauma: How to Be More Aware, Cope, and Heal

Exercise 3. Am I too jealous?

This exercise helps you distinguish between healthy ambition and unhealthy financial envy.

📌 Steps

1. Ask yourself this: Do you ever feel like you can't sit with your feelings, manage them internally, and let them go to the point that they become an obsession?

2. And this one: Have you ever done something you later regretted or found unreasonable, driven by envy/jealousy rather than making a thoughtful choice?

💪 Why it works

• Self-reflection: By pondering these questions, you create a space to assess whether your jealousy is constructive or harmful.

• Awareness: Reflecting on past actions influenced by jealousy helps you understand the consequences of letting it drive your behavior.

• Action: It encourages you to take steps if you realize your jealousy is harmful.

📎 The source

🟣 Money Jealousy to Contentment: Advice from a Therapist.

🔧 The tool

You can use the Money Feelings comments section to share your feelings with our community in a private paywalled space.

For a fully anonymous money conversation, try the GoFund Yourself Community, a judgment-free zone for financial discussions.

This month, I’m suggesting five challenges for managing your (money) jealousy, recommended by financial coaches, therapists, and advisors.

Please don’t give yourself the impossible challenge of doing them all.

I intentionally included various types of exercises. Not every one of them will suit you. Pick the one that feels most natural to you. And let us know which one you picked in the comments. Accountability is so effective for staying motivated!

Challenge 1. It’s just a feeling. Acknowledge it, and move on.

Practice recognizing your feelings of envy. When you do, remind yourself it's just a feeling and a completely normal one. Sit on it. And move on! If you need something more practical, do it through a symbolic physical act.

📌 Steps

1. Write down what specifically triggered your financial envy on a piece of paper. Be as detailed as possible.

2. Take a moment to sit with your feelings. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel envious and that these emotions are a normal human experience.

3. Physically crumple the paper into a tight ball. As you do this, imagine that you are compressing all your negative feelings and frustrations into that piece of paper.

4. Throw it away, take a deep breath, and shift your focus to something positive or productive.

💪 Why it works

• Symbolism: The physical act of writing, crumpling, and discarding provides a tangible and symbolic way to process the emotion, reduce its power over you, and release it.

• Mindfulness: Taking a moment to sit with your feelings fosters mindfulness and emotional intelligence, allowing you to respond more calmly and thoughtfully in the future.

📎 The source

Experiencing Negative Thoughts? Write It On Paper, Crumple It And Discard It ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 17 (1), January - June 2016.

Challenge 2. Personal finance is more personal than it is finance, so what’s right for you?

The best financial decisions aren’t one-size-fits-all. The real question is, what’s right for you (and your family)? Financial therapist Brad Klontz designed the following exercise to help you discover your values = less money jealousy because you’re clearer on what you truly want and what your financial goals should be.

📌 Steps

1. Imagine receiving a letter from one of your future descendants. They have some questions for you:

2. Answer each one with a sentence or two.

   • How did you feel about your life?

   • What were the most important lessons you learned?

   • What did you wish you had done that you didn’t do?

   • What are you really glad you experienced/accomplished?

   • What kinds of things touched your heart?

   • What kinds of things outraged you?

   • What was special about those you loved?

   • What advice would you give a young person like me?

   • What did you learn about human nature?

   • What did you learn about the meaning of life?

   • What were your money beliefs?

3. Using these answers, draft a three-to four-sentence paragraph representing your legacy statement.

4. Consider sharing your legacy statement on Money Feelings with us or someone close to you.

💪 Why it works

• Subconscious insight: Since at least 90% of decisions are made subconsciously, exercises like these are more effective at uncovering your authentic values than simply asking “what are your values”.

• Personal fulfillment: This exercise encourages you to pursue financial goals that lead to personal fulfillment rather than following societal pressures or comparing yourself to others.

• Values alignment: It helps you create a strong foundation for your financial planning that is deeply rooted in your personal beliefs and aspirations and helps you stay focused on your personal reasons for needing money.

📎 The source

Brad Klontz, Psychology of Financial Planning, Practitioner's Toolkit, Incomplete sentences intervention. p. 6

Challenge 3. Direct your gaze toward your own progress.

Instead of comparing yourself to others, what if you started comparing yourself to yourself?

📌 Steps

1. List significant financial milestones you want to achieve, such as saving a certain amount, paying off debt, or investing a set percentage of your income.

2. Regularly, write down at least one thing you are grateful for regarding your financial situation. This could be anything from a recent saving success to simply having the means to cover your expenses.

3. Once a month, reflect on and write about any financial achievements or progress you've made, no matter how small. Adjust your goals as necessary and note any patterns in your achievements.

💪 Why it works

• Positive focus: Shifting your focus to gratitude helps you appreciate what you have and reduces the tendency to compare yourself to others.

• Recognition of progress: Regularly acknowledging your achievements reinforces positive behavior and keeps you motivated.

• Mindfulness and reflection: Keeping a journal encourages mindfulness and self-reflection, helping you stay aware of your progress and areas for improvement.

📎 The source

DeSteno, D., Y. Li, L. Dickens, and J. S. Lerner. 2014. “Gratitude: A Tool for Reducing Economic Impatience.” Psychological Science.

🔧 The tool

What if you already had all you need? We often think we should feel wealthy when all our needs are met. But for many of us, there's a gap between how much we have and how wealthy we feel. Some people earn €50,000 a week and still don't feel satisfied, while others are content with the same amount per year.

One way to bridge this gap is by gaining some perspective and seeing your wealth in a broader context.

I suggest trying out this test developed by the Giving What We Can association. This organization, started by ethics researchers at Oxford, encourages people to donate 10% of their income to fight global poverty.

You might be surprised to see where you stand compared to the rest of the world and the impact your donations can make!

Challenge 4. Materialism sucks.

Something to remind yourself next time you’re jealous of someone’s money or possessions: Buying more stuff won’t make you happier.

Studies have even found that people who believe that acquiring money and possessions is crucial for happiness and success tend to report lower happiness and life satisfaction levels. They also experience higher levels of depression, anxiety, and general psychopathology.

Here is a practical way to develop a healthier relationship with material possessions:

📌 Steps

• Before making a purchase, pause and ask yourself why you want the item. Is it a need or a want? How will it add value to your life?

• Consider waiting 24 hours before making non-essential purchases.

• Regularly declutter and donate items you no longer use or need.

💪 Why it works

• Self-awareness: By asking yourself why you want an item and whether it is a need or a want, you become more aware of your motivations and impulses.

• Thoughtful buying: The practice of waiting 24 hours allows you to step back from the immediate gratification of buying something new, leading to more thoughtful and deliberate consumption habits.

• Contentment: By actively reducing excess and focusing on the utility and joy of your existing possessions, you cultivate contentment and reduce the desire for more.

📎 The sources

• The Relationship Between Materialism and Personal Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis, Nov. 2014, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 107(5):879-924.

🔧 The tool

You could subscribe to this Substack newsletter for regular reminders and advice on consuming mindfully.

Challenge 5. The social media reality check.

I won’t need to link to any research here. You already know social media is like putting kerosene on our jealousy fire. So what if your challenge this month was “simply” to reduce your social media consumption?

There are tons of tools out there to help you do that, such as Barrier, Freedom, or Stay Focused but the method that has helped me immensely with my social media consumption over the past year is this:

• Because I need Substack and LinkedIn for work, I schedule 5 hours a week on both social media platforms in my work calendar (1 hour on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays). I don’t have the apps on my phone!

• I also enjoy a regular dose of Instagram! But the app is never ready to be used on my phone. I have to download it when I want to use it. This friction has helped me immensely in making sure I use it only when I consciously want to.

Another point, which I think is a simple but incredible trick when using social media: if you feel a pang of envy, remind yourself that no one has it all figured out. We all have to deal with something.

🌿 And the grass is always greener when you use a filter!

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So, which challenge are you going to pick this month?

Let us know. Remember, accountability is key.

Tip from a reader: To make the most of your jealousy, treat the people you’re jealous of as “expanders.”

I do feel money envy but I tend to see the people I envy as expanders: they are more or less like me and they have managed to be more successful, earn more, invest more wisely etc.

I tend to study them very closely, if they create a workshop, I'll do it for example, I'll follow them on Instagram (I actually curate my IG to see specifically those people), and I'll see for myself what specific actions I need to take so I can succeed too.

Do I need to take a class to educate myself financially? Do I need to look up investment opportunities (especially those that are more accessible to me)? etc.

I've come a long way in the way I manage money and the way I relate to it and I don't think I could have come this far without the stimulation of the example they provide.

The vision my parents had about money was very limited (work more= earn more, if you don't have money you're worth nothing etc...) and my expanders were a way also to break that limited vision and feel much more empowered.

💡 If you also have a tip, you can always share it with us in the comments or message me if you want more privacy. 

If your envy or jealousy significantly impacts your well-being or financial decision-making, I’d encourage you to seek professional advice.

We all need support sometimes to navigate challenging situations, and that's perfectly okay. There are many different ways to do this, and not everything will be right for everybody.

This month, I wanted to highlight the relevance of psychotherapy in addressing these issues, focusing on psychodynamic psychotherapy through Vicky Reynal's practice.

Vicky is a (financial) psychotherapist based in London, who also offers video sessions.

She is the author of Money on Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits, which recently won Best Book at The Money Awareness and Inclusion Awards.

This is what you could expect from reaching out to Vicky for support:

What is a psychodynamic psychotherapist?

As a psychodynamic psychotherapist, I guide you towards a deeper understanding of yourself, what you are struggling with and help you find a way to change and live a more fulfilling and satisfying life. This kind of psychotherapy looks at how the problem you are facing today is linked to your past experiences; it explores what unconscious processes lay behind your present challenges and helps you understand and overcome it.

What can one expect?

The first step is to meet for an Initial Consultation. The purpose of this session is to explore in more detail what your difficulties with relation to money are and the potential emotional roots of the problem. The Initial Consultation gives you an experience of therapy before deciding to go ahead with the sessions.

We would then meet one-on-one for therapy sessions online or in person once a week. Please note that I don't work with couples and that I work with a minimum of once a week sessions (ie: not fortnightly).

During these sessions we will explore your relationship with money, both historically and in the present. I will help you identify unconscious thoughts and associations to it, and we will look at your past experiences related to your current behaviour. When money is getting in the way of your relationships, we will analyse those relationships to better understand what is being acted out through money and think about how else to resolve those issues.

The goal of therapy is to help you gain a deeper understanding of your difficulties so that you can implement the changes you desire. I am a psychotherapist by training so the sessions are very much psychotherapy sessions. Understanding what is behind your difficulties will help you make different choices going forward. These are not financial planning sessions and I won’t be offering investment advice.

People find that money is one of the issues that are difficult to discuss openly and honestly with others and the fact that our sessions are completely confidential, offers a space in which to safely explore ideas.

Some resources about Vicky's practice that you might find helpful:

• Read her interview about money jealousy on Money Feelings.

• Learn more about Vicky and her practice on her website.

• Buy her book, “Money on Your Mind,” over here.

• Follow her on LinkedIn or Instagram.

👏 Well done

Thank you for showing up, and well done for taking 10 minutes to care for your financial self. 👏

Pauline 💜