❤️‍🔥 Why Talking Money Is the New Relationship Goal

🟣 With Heather Boneparth from The Joint Account.

The wealth you accumulate, the luxurious vacations you take, and the glittering jewelry you own won’t pave the way to genuine happiness.

What truly matters are high-quality relationships—those where we feel connected and confident that we can rely on each other.

That’s the conclusion of the longest-running study on happiness conducted by Harvard Medical School.

But here’s the harsh reality: money matters can destroy even the strongest relationships, whether with your partner, friends, or family.

Just think about it in a romantic context:

• The tension when one partner is a saver, and the other’s a spender.

• The resentment that builds over hidden debt or secret purchases.

• The guilt that comes when financial goals don’t align.

• The stress of paying bills while one of you is out of work.

• The frustration of feeling financially dependent on your partner.

Sound familiar? If you’ve ever been here, you’re not alone. Money troubles in relationships, particularly romantic ones, are as common as they are complicated, and that’s exactly why I’m introducing you to Heather Boneparth and her important work helping couples talk about money.

Heather is a recovering corporate attorney, writer, and director of business affairs at Bone Fide Wealth, an NYC-based financial advice firm focused on millennials.

Together with her husband, Douglas Boneparth—one of Investopedia’s top 10 most influential financial advisors—they co-authored a book about millennials and money while on parental leave with their first child. Now, they’re back with a new book on love and money, set to release in 2025.

I asked Heather which newsletters on love & money she thinks every couple should read.

But first, I had her fill out the Money Feelings Questionnaire—the best way I know to get a better sense of who she is.

So keep scrolling to dive into Heather’s money psychology and explore the rest of today’s financial self-care session:

🟣 Le Questionnaire: The Financial Psychology of a Love and Money Writer.

🤓 The Reading List: 3½ Newsletters on Love & Money Every Couple Should Read.

💪 The Challenge: A Quick and Effective Money Talk Exercise to Do as a Couple.

🟣 Le Questionnaire: The Financial Psychology of a Love and Money Writer

AGE: 39

FROM: from Philadelphia, PA, living in New Jersey.

ASTRO: Leo

LOVES: Writing, cooking, crafting, music, and theater. I'm really enjoying this season of life, when I'm finally getting to share my interests with my daughters and see what they take to.

JOB(S)/PROJECT(S): I am a writer and *recovering* corporate attorney who now runs business affairs for Bone Fide Wealth in New York City. Along with my husband, Douglas, I am currently writing a book on love and money (expected late 2025). Together, we also write The Joint Account, a weekly Substack newsletter helping couples talk about money. I cope by making silly videos on Instagram: @averagejoelle.

MISSIONS: I've always wanted to share people's stories and write to help others.

SURPRISE(S): I've been holding my pencil wrong since the second grade and inadvertently displayed this in a recent Reel. Apparently, 2.7M people are deeply concerned with how I hold my pencil!

🟣 Are you more envious of:

(A) someone who is similar to you in most respects but is a bit wealthier (say 50% wealthier) or

(B) more envious of Bill Gates?

Absolutely (A). I know what my "enough" is, and it's not limitless wealth.

🟣 What's a purchase that brought you lasting joy?

A special white handbag I purchased upon a significant career milestone.

🟣 Is there a money habit of someone you know that secretly drives you insane?

Anyone who is too envious of their peer group and can't be happy for others.

🟣 Have you ever felt excluded or alienated by the traditional ways finance is taught or discussed?

🔘 Very often

✅ Often

🔘 Sometimes

🔘 Never

🟣 You just won the lottery. What is the first cause you support?

I would probably help fund the capital campaign of the community center that raised my daughters through preschool. I prefer to give on the hyper-local level.

🟣 If you could have swapped one high school subject for a money management course, which class would you have ditched?

Chemistry. 100%.

🟣 When was the last time money stress had you wanting to scream into a pillow?

During the pandemic, we were trying to move from our starter home (which was never supposed to be our forever home) to one with more space to work and live with two daughters.

Buyers were so desperate, they were agreeing to things I knew as a lawyer we never should.

So we ultimately paused our search, which gave us the flexibility for me to leave my full-time job as a corporate lawyer and join Bone Fide Wealth full-time.

I wrote about our choice and experience here.

🟣 The zombie apocalypse is upon us. Which possession do you save?

My wedding rings. Not sure I'd care that much about possessions if the zombies are running down my block!

🟣 How do all the ups and downs in the market and economic uncertainty impact your motivation to invest?

🔘 A lot

🔘 A bit

✅ Not really

🔘 Not at all

🟣 What or who’s your vision of financial success?

To be able to work on projects I'm passionate about with room for all my creative pursuits, and I want to be able to show my kids the world and experience different cultures. There's definitely a number. It's not infinite.

🟣 Would you rather stick to a strict budget or wear wet socks all day?

Strict budget, for sure.

🟣 If you could time-travel and stop one money-related mistake, what would it be?

Taking out six figures of student loans for a very expensive law degree.

🟣 How often do you find financial terminology and jargon confusing or intimidating?

🔘 Very often

🔘 Often

✅ Rarely

🟣 If you could magically double your income but had to work twice as hard, would you do it?

I would, but I'd go in knowing it would be for a finite amount of time. In other words, I'd do it to fund our next major financial goal and then reevaluate.

🟣 If your bank account could talk, what would it reveal is your greatest extravagance?

Food! Both in groceries and dining out. I like cooking with high-quality ingredients and am a habitual over-orderer in restaurants.

🟣 Do you know how much your friends make in real figures?

No. I am probably the most open about this information out of the women I'm friends with.

🟣 What emotions do you most associate with money? (3 minimum, more if it brings aaall the feels)

My answer to this has evolved so much over the past year. In my twenties, money would cause me deep anxiety and shame. Approaching the end of my thirties and writing this book, I've conquered so much of that. Now, I don't know what I'd call it, but it's something positive. Money means possibilities to me. It's also a vehicle of trust between me and my husband.

🟣 What steps have you taken in planning for your financial future?

🔘 I haven’t started planning anything

🔘 I think I have started but not sure

🔘 I’ve done some but not enough

🔘 I had but my situation has changed

✅ I’m on top of it & review regularly

🟣 Does your spending style resemble your parents, or did you rebel?

My parents are no longer married and have very different spending styles. I'd say I'm right in between the two of them.

My spending style is all about intention. I'm comfortable spending what I believe things are worth, and that's in terms of value to me and my family, specifically.

🟣 Which one of your money habits do you suspect annoys your partner/family/friends?

I perseverate too much on big purchases, even when I'm clear it's what I want.

For example, I've been staring at this credenza/bar for our dining room for two months, but I keep asking myself whether there will be a sale or discount, so it's just sitting in my cart while I wait for a discount that may never come. See answer above about what I believe things "are worth." Sometimes, I'm incredibly stubborn :)

🟣 Were you told you were not good at math as a kid? Has it affected your ability to handle money matters? Has it affected your confidence to handle money matters?

I was good at math as a kid, so this is N/A to me. But I do know that confidence is a huge marker in whether someone believes they handle money well.

🟣 On a scale of 0 to 10, how bad is your addiction to subscriptions?

3

🟣 How many years will you have to fund between retirement and death?

Take the Living to 100 Test to calculate your life expectancy. Find out the retirement age in your country. Now do this quick math exercise:  [Age you die] - [Age you retire] = [Years you have to fund yourself between retirement and death]

34!

(I can't believe this says I'm living to 96.)

🟣 Who handles the finances in your home?

My husband leads (he is a Certified Financial Planner - CPF), but I am an active participant in all decisions, bill pay, risk analyses, etc.

Rebuilding my role in our finances is something we write about a lot.

Here is an example.

🟣 What would be on your dopamine menu?

If you don't know what a dopamine menu is or why it's relevant in the context of money, you can check this edition of Money Feelings. 

💜 Thank you for sharing with us, Heather.

And for recommending some of these essential reads for couples 👇

🤓 The Reading List: 3½ Newsletters on Love & Money Every Couple Should Read

Money is one of the biggest sources of stress in relationships, but it doesn’t have to be. Here’s our curated list of the best newsletters and blogs that dive into love, money, and everything in between. Nope, newsletters alone won’t solve everything, but they will surely bring you greater awareness and understanding of your financial dynamics as a couple.👇

🟣 The Joint Account–Of course–is co-written by Heather, who tackles the qualitative aspects (like how can I explain to my partner that we need an after-school sitter when he thinks we have it covered?), and her husband, Doug, who focuses on the quantitative side (like how much should be in an emergency fund?).

Here are some of my favorite ones if you’d like to start digging:

• How do I get my super-saver spouse to invest?

• My husband's hobby is out of control; I’m not sure we can afford it.

• The best way for you and your partner to structure your accounts.

• Am I supposed to help my partner pay back his student loans?

• The invisible costs of childcare.

• How should we be speaking with other couples about money?

🟣 The Purse by Lindsey Stanberry. Especially worth checking out in our context is the insightful section called “Division of Labor.”

🟣 Off Substack and technically not a newsletter, marriage and family financial therapist Ed Coambs writes a blog on his website, Healthy Love & Money, which comes highly recommended by Heather.

🟣 The "½" in 3½ is for my French-speaking audience: my fellow writer at Snowball, Margaux Terrou, publishes a highly informative, practical, and beautifully original newsletter on money and couples called Snowball Couple— maybe also a great opportunity to brush up on your French—hitting two birds with one stone!

💪 The Challenge: A Quick and Effective Money Talk Exercise to Do as a Couple

According to financial psychologist Vicky Reynal in her book Money on Your Mind:

“Our blueprint for relationships and our expectations and behaviours when we are in one are morphed by two important experiences: the experience of relating to our parents and the experience of watching our parents relate to one another.

Our parents’ example is a point of reference: for most people it becomes a model they consciously/unconsciously, at least in part, replicate (because we are drawn to the familiar and are predisposed to repeating). […]

The challenge of coupling is significant: our own complex web of influences that shape how we approach relationships collide with those of our romatic partners.”

🟣 For this week’s challenge, I suggest you and your partner reflect on this complex web of influences and share your “emotional baggage” related to money with one another. 

Here’s a suggested structure if you feel you need one:

Set the scene: Find a quiet and comfortable space where you both feel relaxed and free from distractions. Agree on a non-judgmental atmosphere where you can share openly.

Reflect: Take about 10 minutes each to reflect on (maybe write down too?) three significant money-related experiences from your past. These could include:

• A memorable lesson about money from childhood (like how money was handled in your family).

• A financial struggle or hardship that had an emotional impact on you.

• A positive money experience that shaped your financial beliefs.

Share: Take turns sharing your experiences. You could explain why it was significant and how it made you feel at the time.

Discuss Values: After sharing, take a few minutes to discuss how these experiences have shaped your financial values and behaviors as individuals and as a couple. You could, for instance, consider questions like:

• How do these experiences affect our financial decisions today?

• What can we learn from each other's perspectives to support one another better?

I'd love to hear how this exercise goes for you! Feel free to share your thoughts or insights in the comments below or by direct message if the comment section feels too intimidating.

👏👏👏 Well done for dedicating the past 10 minutes to your financial well-being!

I hope you enjoyed this session. If you did, let me know in the comments—it would make my day!

You can also tap the 💜 below, invite a friend to check out Money Feelings (get a free month of paid access when three friends subscribe), or subscribe so you don’t miss our next session.

Pauline 💜