🟣 You Don't Have To Be Generous.

☢️ My Aha Moments on (Toxic) Generosity.

“Chéri, f*ck Christmas this year.
Let’s escape with the kids to a tropical island. Maybe Fiji? I’m not picky. And live like this for two weeks:”

Imagine:

• No crowded shops.

• No panicking over gift ideas.

• No watching money evaporate.

• No pressure to look good when you’re at your most exhausted.

And if you’re an introvert, a highly sensitive person, an empath, or someone already grappling with social anxiety, burnout, or chronic illness, it also means no weeks of mounting dread before the gatherings that leave you completely drained afterward.

Doesn’t that sound like bliss?

Christmas is one of Western culture’s biggest exercises in generosity—whether in time, effort, or gifts—but it’s also a well-documented source of extreme stress and financial strain.

If you’ve flirted with the idea of breaking away from this tradition, I bet you’ve also been hit with a tidal wave of emotions, like:

• Guilt: Am I robbing my kids of magical holiday memories? Am I breaking my parents’ hearts?

• Anxiety: Does it make me less generous? Am I being selfish? What will others think of me?

• Fear of conflict: What happens if my in-laws get offended? What if it stirs up drama?

Fact: Just contemplating breaking up with this tradition is more stressful than going through it.

And that’s because:

1. Breaking from tradition is like your isolated self fighting against the collective weight of expectations and everyone else’s feelings. That weight is so heavy it’s easier to go along with things, even if it costs us our mental health or financial stability.

2. Our resistance to change is also hardwired into our brains. Cognitive biases like the status quo bias and cognitive inertia make us cling to the familiar, even when a better option stares us in the face.

A friend in Amsterdam with four kids is experiencing stress overload from juggling work, childcare, and life. On top of that, she struggles with eco-anxiety and is constantly worried about her family’s environmental footprint. Yet despite all this, she tells me she doesn’t want to let go of the extended family’s gift-giving tradition. I’m not talking about skipping gifts for her kids; I’m talking about buying for her partner, parents, siblings, and in-laws.

Why?

She says it’s because “it’s really important for everyone. And anyway, I really like to see how happy everyone is.”

My initial thought when she said this was that she keeps doing it because she’s been conditioned to believe that maintaining this tradition is her responsibility. That being a good mom, daughter, and partner means sacrificing her time, money, and energy—no matter the personal cost.

It’s not a flaw in her character, just the result of a society that tells women to be givers, donate their time for free, prioritize others’ needs over their own, and equate “selflessness” with being a good person.

Men, too, are bombarded with their own set of expectations. Traditionally, they’re told to be the unwavering provider—the one who never fails never shows vulnerability and never admits to needing help. Messages reinforce that their worth is tied to their financial contributions, ability to stay stoic under pressure, and role as a pillar of strength in the family.

These roles—“the selfless nurturer” and “the stoic provider”—are exhausting and trap us in cycles of guilt, stress, and unmet expectations.

The obligations around Christmas thrive on these beliefs. And while generosity can be beautiful, sometimes it makes us miserable.

“But Pauline, research shows that spending money on others does wonders for our mental health.”

That’s true.

• People who spend money on others report more happiness.

• Giving elicits happiness in the giver, even if it requires some sacrifice.

• Gift-giving triggers dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward.

• Positive gift exchanges can also release oxytocin, which fosters feelings of attachment and connection.

• Altruistic behaviors positively affect physical and psychological well-being.

And probably one of the best sentences I’ve ever read in a research paper: “The warm glow of giving can be detected even in toddlers.”

All true.

But I’m not saying we shouldn’t be generous. Generosity is both positive and rewarding.

However, hidden challenges can arise behind the beautiful act of giving, and we should be aware of them to allow ourselves to:

Find the strength to create limits when we’re not in a position to be generous.

Understand others when they’re not in a position to be generous.

Take financial anxiety, for instance.

The connection between holidays, gift-giving, and financial stress is widely discussed. The holidays can be especially hard for those with limited financial resources, where the pressure to overspend or stretch beyond their means often leads to profound mental and financial strain.

But here’s an angle we don’t discuss enough: financial anxiety doesn’t discriminate.

Even people who are financially stable can experience anxiety around unplanned or larger-than-usual expenses, the vulnerability of dipping into emergency savings, or regret after impulsive purchases.

Why?

Because financial anxiety often comes from mindset—deeply ingrained beliefs about money inherited from past generations or shaped by personal experiences. I used to view 'stinginess' as a terrible trait, but I’ve come to understand that scarcity mindset often has valid, complex roots.

For some of us, gift-giving also feels like an exhausting emotional roller coaster.

We fear disappointing others, stress over sending the wrong message, or feel pressured to keep up appearances.

Those with avoidant attachment styles or a fear of intimacy may find even accepting gifts uncomfortable—feeling unworthy of the gesture or envious for not showing the same thoughtfulness in return.

At times, it can leave us feeling like we owe something—a sensation that can be constraining or even controlling.

So. Many. Emotions.

And that’s in everyday situations. Now, imagine dealing with someone who gives excessively or, worse, who suffers from pathological generosity or "compulsive giving.”

There are countless things at play when we give! In her book Money on Your Mind, British financial psychologist Vicky Reynal compiled a remarkable list of motives behind generosity—from seeking forgiveness, feeling happiness by proxy, empathizing with another’s pain, embracing masochism, fearing abandonment, wielding control, and more.

Reading this chapter of her book brought me back to 2022 when I grappled with burnout and navigated a heartbreaking friendship fallout.

This friend, someone I’d loved for decades, was also struggling mentally. She needed me, and she made it very clear. She needed me to call, text, and have 1:1 weekends with her. I tried my best with the first two but told her multiple times I wasn’t ready to fly over for a 1:1 weekend because I already had too much on and was exhausted and overwhelmed with my daily life.

She insisted. She kept calling, texting constantly, and asking for this 1:1. The more I withdrew, the more she reached out.

At the same time, she continued her tradition of sending the most thoughtful gifts for my kids’ birthdays. It was something she’d always done, even though I never reciprocated—not out of malice, but because it wasn’t my habit. My friends and I usually send kind texts for our kids’ birthdays, and that’s it.

In 2022, when one of these gifts arrived, I broke down. I couldn’t handle the generosity and the emotional demands of giving my time and energy. I thought I felt guilty for not reciprocating, not being as thoughtful, and not being the friend she needed when she needed me most.

But I wasn’t feeling guilty anymore.

I was angry.

I was angry at her generosity, especially given her struggles. How could she find the time and energy to send such thoughtful gifts while dealing with so much? To me, it felt less like kindness and more like an unspoken demand for something I couldn’t give. Even to someone I deeply cared about.

It’s in this context that my therapist at the time helped me get a few aha moments about generosity, the kind that reshaped how I think about giving:

1. Generosity can’t come at the expense of your well-being, and it is not only outward. Are you generous to yourself? Are you resting, forgiving mistakes, and taking care of yourself?

2. Generosity, like all things, thrives on balance. I couldn’t find the energy to be there for my friend because I had lost my balance. And I imagine she was very demanding because she had lost hers too.

3. Generosity isn't just financial. It's also time, attention, emotional energy… (Be present > Presents).

Gift-giving is an exercise in stepping outside ourselves, fighting our tendency to assume others share our preferences, thoughts, or emotions.

But stepping outside of ourselves isn’t just about noticing what others need—it’s also about giving others grace when they can’t give. It’s about asking ourselves why we give, whether from a place of genuine care or something else.

I hope you found some interesting points here.

I’d love to hear your experiences and perspectives on generosity—feel free to share in the comments or let me know if you enjoyed this piece with a heart 💜 or a restack (the recycle symbol below). I notice and appreciate all of them!

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Edouard Manet, Flowers in a Crystal Vase, c. 1882

Pauline 💜